The Most Cliche Harry Potter FanFic EVER!
by cmpbtdudethe
Summary: A parody combining all the ridiculous cliché stuff that most RHr fanfics contain. Ron is a materialistic idiot, Harry is a gentle softy, Hermione doesn't have a personality, and Ginny is in love with... a lot of people. Beware the love triangles!
1. Ron's Tragic Death

A/N: My first story, "To Tell the Truth," was a serious story, so I decided to try a humorous one! I also enjoyed reading some hysterical parodies on Hermione getting a makeover and Hermione and Harry getting together (not gonna happen, people), and I figured I'd trya fic like thatfor myself. So, this story will contain a lot of love triangles and a lot of random stuff, so I hope you'll enjoy!

JKR owns everything!

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The Most Cliché Harry Potter FanFic EVER!

It was a glorious summer day at the Burrow, in which Harry and Hermione were staying for the holidays. The sun beamed down upon the happy trio, who were all in surprisingly good moods because this sickly romantic parody would not be possible with Harry still moping over Sirius. Hermione was looking particularly bushy and ordinary today, Ron was blundering about like an idiot, not at all in character, and Harry was acting unusually kind and gentle, as he had finally gotten over his teenaged arrogance, for the same reason that he was in such a good mood. None of them were at all worried about Lord Voldemort rising spectacularly to power, because who wants to read a romantic fanfic where everyone's scared of some highly unimportant dark lord?

Ginny, who fit nicely into the role of "the girl that every guy wants to date" was fabulously bedecked in gaudy costume jewelry and too much makeup. Being quite over her little girlish crush on the famous Harry Potter, she merely gave him a friendly smile and wave as she passed, which, when read between the lines, secretly said, "I'm madly and adorably in love with you." Ginny strode gorgeously over to Hermione, who was still looking ridiculously ordinary, and put a friendly hug around her, since the need for Hermione to have a female best friend was highly obvious in the first five books. Hermione, who up until then had been having a raging row with Ron for no reason other than the fact that they seemed to have done that a lot in books four and five, returned Ginny's grin, her teeth mysteriously huge again. Ginny gave a high-pitched, girlish giggle.

"Oh, Hermione!" she cooed. "You're so outdated! Come up to my room and we'll make you look beautiful!"

Ron, who had suddenly become oddly materialistic, gave a harsh laugh.

"Don't even bother, Ginny!" he chortled. "Hermione's a bookworm character. You can't make bookworm characters too pretty!"

Harry, in all his gentle kindness, strode over at the sound of the argument.

"Hermione's a lovely girl," he said. "Just because she's a bookworm, doesn't mean she can't have a makeover."

During all this time Hermione had been politely reading, as this, too, was something that Hermione seemed to really like doing in the first five books. All of a sudden, however, Ginny had made up her mind about Hermione's appearance, and she yanked Hermione from her mad reading and dragged her up the stairs to her room, closely followed by a huffy Ron and a beaming Harry.

"Now we're just going to do a little something with this hair…" Ginny said, pulling out her wand and sending sparkling, starry lights shining all around her room that was covered in bright pink lace and posters of really hot guys.

"Hey, what am _I _doing on your wall?" Harry asked suddenly, seeing a poster of himself wearing no shirt and an expression of sexy romance.

"What? What are you talking about?" Ginny asked, and the poster magically disappeared.

"That's better," said Harry. "I'm not supposed to know that we're secretly madly in love until later in the fanfic."

Ginny, meanwhile, was tapping Hermione's head with her wand in a series of hot drum rhythms, while Ron muttered about Hermione being an ordinary bookworm. Suddenly, there was a flash of light and Hermione's hair was perfectly straight, silky, and soft. A light from above shone down on her and she looked exactly like an angel. She struck a gorgeous pose, and Ron fell to his knees.

"Oh, beautiful Hermione!" he cried. "Though I acted before like I liked you, I have never truly felt anything for you until this moment! You are a goddess! An angel! My materialistic, uncharacteristic, and sudden realization of my true feelings for you forces me to say this and this alone: I love you! I love you with every breath of my being, every beat of my lowly, idiotic heart, every—"

But suddenly Ginny smeared deep, romantic, red lipstick across Hermione's suddenly luscious, perfectly shaped lips and Ron fell to the floor, weeping.

"Ah! The beauty you cast upon me is blinding! I cannot speak! No more! No more! Your splendor is too much! Hurt no more my weak, love-filled heart!"

Yet Ginny splashed a touch of glitter across Hermione's cheeks.

"AAAAARRRRRGGHHH! I cannot stand it! Cease! Cease! My heart and soul will explode if Hermione is made any more beautiful! Take me now, Hermione, and spare my life! Thou art too lovely, too fair—"

"Whoa, did Ron just say 'thou art'?" Harry asked quietly, as Ginny tapped Hermione with her wand, causing Hermione to be suddenly dressed in a sexy, slim, strapless black dress that came down only to her upper thigh, and causing Ron to curl up in the fetal position, sucking his thumb.

"Hemimome," he mumbled through his thumb, "fease to ve fo bufiful…. I wuf you wif aww my heaht…."

But Ginny wasn't finished yet. With a final tap of the wand, Hermione's skin was a perfect, golden tan, and her feet were dressed in five-inch black heels. Ron's entire body began to twitch, and suddenly both his heart and his soul exploded.


	2. The Love Triangle Begins

Hermione stood from the chair in front of Ginny's mirror and daintily balanced herself on her new heels. Once she had thoroughly admired her un-JKRishly awesome body in the mirror, she turned her attention to the bloody mess on the floor that had, up until that moment, been Ron. With her perfectly slender and manicured hands she lifted his face and tenderly kissed his lips. Ginny and Harry watched from a slight distance. Upon this act of Hermione's, however, Harry suddenly threw his arms around Ginny and sobbed bitterly over Ron's tragic demise.

But Ron wasn't quite as dead as they'd thought.

A single tear fell from Hermione's long-lashed eye into Ron's open, gaping mouth. Suddenly there was a blinding light and Ron's eyes fluttered open, for his body had suddenly become … er … not bloody and icky … and he was whole again. He stood, his handsome face gazing down at Hermione's delicately beautiful one, and then he wrapped his big, strong arms around her perfectly slender waist. The pair kissed a wonderfully romantic first kiss that involved a lot of lip and a whole lot more tongue, which surprised the reader, because Hermione and Ron seemed a bit too shy for that in the first five books. But they kissed for about an hour like that anyway, while Harry and Ginny wept in each other's arms at the beautiful moment.

Which lasted about an hour.

An HOUR.

Then Hermione brought Sirius back to life in the same manner, because SIRIUS SIMPLY CAN'T BE DEAD! DO YOU HEAR ME? HE CAN'T BE DEAD! JKR WOULD SOOOOOO NOT KILL SIRIUS! SHE'S JUST TRICKING US! YOU'LL SEE I'M RIGHT IN HBP!

The writer coughed slightly and then began to, once again, tell the story, using a deus ex machina, which magically brought Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny to Hogwarts. The train ride, obviously, would be too boring for this romantic fic, as the ride consisted of nothing more than a few make-out sessions for Ron and Hermione, and many, many hot guys checking Hermione out. Ron became very jealous. He even bit one of the guys.

Hermione also bought a lovely new set of Hogwarts robes that fit her a lot better now that Ginny had shrunk her to roughly the size and shape of your average Miss Universe. Once at Hogwarts, the trio beamed at everyone who passed, for the entire school was gawking at Harry because of his scar, at Hermione because of her beauty, and at Ron because … well, they didn't really stare much at Ron, because Ron needed to feel sorry for himself so that Hermione would pity his being as poor as a rat. A rat that he no longer owned. A rat that killed Harry's parents.

Upon hearing this realization of the writer's, Harry burst into tears and went to tell Professor McGonagall that the writer was making fun of him, and the writer promptly moved on with the story.

The next day the trio went down to breakfast, where Dumbledore was informing the students that all classes would be canceled, due to the fact that this story was going to focus on the romances blossoming between Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny, and therefore could not be interrupted by annoying things like classes. Then it started to rain enormously, and Hermione was suddenly stranded outside in the rain, because rain was often times used as a very romantic thing, probably because you got all wet, and being wet was fun. Harry also happened to be outside, running, in his tragic hero-ish way, toward Hermione. He bellowed in ferocity as he charged at the attacking, evil rain monsters that his mind had invented because he needed a reason to rescue Hermione. Ron was nowhere in sight, for this was the scene in which Harry and Hermione would at last discover their true feelings for each other, and Ron might bite Harry if he saw what was happening. Ron also happened to have very sharp teeth, which were useful in attacking mailmen. Sadly to say, this was the usual appetite for the Weasleys, as they were too poor to afford normal food.

Suddenly Harry reached Hermione and he scooped her up into his arms. Hermione, who had become taller since Ginny had given her the makeover, kicked her seven-inch heels off her daintily long legs and wrapped her arms around Harry's neck.

"Harry!" she cried in a breathless, intriguing voice. "What are you doing?"

"Rescuing you from the rain monsters!" Harry responded in a deep, manly tone.

"The what?" Hermione asked, confused.

"I … uh … mean," Harry stumbled. "I thought I saw you being attacked by … monsters that cause PAIN, and I … uh … decided to rescue you."

Hermione needed to be helplessly stupid in this scene, so she took his answer without question and shuddered, drawing herself closer to Harry.

"Oh my!" she squealed. "How frightful!"

"Indeed," Harry agreed, drawing himself up to his full height, which wasn't very much. "But Hermione …"

Harry faltered, and the pair gazed unblinkingly into each other's eyes for about half and hour.

"Yes Harry?" Hermione asked after the full thirty minutes had passed.

"Wha-huh?" Harry responded. "Sorry … what did you say? I must have dozed off…."

He then stared into Hermione's eyes, and Hermione stared back. They did this for about half an hour.

"Yes Harry?" Hermione asked after the full thirty minutes had passed.

"Wha-huh?" Harry responded. "Sorry … what did you say? I must have dozed off…."

This entire procedure continued to be undertaken until Harry could stand it no more, and he kissed Hermione even more tenderly than Ron had, and that was saying something. While Ron's kiss had lasted a mere hour, Harry's lasted - yes, you guessed it - a _whopping_ SIX HOURS! Harry chuckled quietly to himself as the kiss progressed, imagining what Ron would do if he knew how competitive Harry could be when it came to stealing other peoples' girls. It came from practice with Cho, that was for sure. Unfortunately, Harry didn't need to imagine what Ron would do, for just as the final thirty minutes of make-out was almost through, Ron turned up and cut the show short, for he bit Harry very hard on the neck, mistaking him for a mailman who'd stolen his girl. The moment that followed, however, was, needless to say, very, very awkward.


End file.
